My baby

And so it begins. I had dinner and drinks with 3 friends the other night. Well I ate, they drank. These 3 friends know I’m pregnant, know all about the IVF, but don’t know a thing about where the eggs came from.
We were discussing pregnancy and loss and infertility and all those fun topics. One friend was talking about a straight couple she knew who had used donor sperm because the husband made none of his own. She was saying how even though she knew it was a donor sperm baby, and the parents knew that she knew, they always referred to the baby as his baby. She said something like “they could have been honest around me, cause I knew!!”

Gah. I muttered something about biology meaning nothing as to who’s baby it was, and there was the “yeah yeah yeah, but you know!” type of reply.

Obviously I didn’t come out of the donor egg closet that night. This is my baby. I’m the one who’s growing it. I’m the one who will birth it. I’m the one who will nurture it with my milk. This is my baby.

Right??

Fodder for therapy I’m sure!!

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~ by zeneggs on January 26, 2012.

7 Responses to “My baby”

  1. I just read a blog post about this topic where the blogger said she considered it like baking a cake. You have the mix, you realize you are out of eggs. You borrow some eggs, but still mix the batter and bake the cake in your oven. It is your cake 🙂

    http://slackieo.blogspot.com/2012/01/overworking-it.html

  2. I’m pretty perplexed by your friend’s comment. Of course the baby is his. How else would he refer to him/her?!? It really puzzles me why she finds that to be dishonest. And yes the baby was conceived with donor sperm & has a different biological father. I don’t understand why all of these can’t happily coexist. They do in my world :).

    People who adopt don’t introduce their kids as “this is my adopted child”.

    In my world you’re this baby’s mother because you are. Period. No qualifications needed. Yes, an egg donor gave you the gift of biology. And you still get to be this lucky bambino’s mama. xoxo

  3. Right! And I love that cake analogy.

  4. Of course the baby is yours! I also read the baking a cake post and it is a good way to think about it. People don’t make comments like that when someone adopts a child, why the heck should they comment like that for donor anything? People are just so stupid.

  5. I feel your pain/issues. We used DS and my eggs with the first, and DE and DS with the second. I have had moments of confusion/self doubt. I know he is mine, but his lips aren’t. He has a huge head! My partner who has no genetic connection to either child has not thought about it once. Non-issue, Why am I (occasionally) caught by it?
    That being said, I would never express these feelings to someone who didn’t understand. We are a special breed of family, with these children so loved, so desired made of borrowed eggs!

  6. Damn right it’s your baby.

  7. oh friend of course this is your baby! i’m not surprised at all that a conversation like that could have the power to shake you… but this is y.o.u.r. b.a.b.y. no question. hearts speak a language beyond words and “this and that’s” of other peoples assumption. listen to your heart. she says yes yes yes to this incredible life ❤

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