5dp 5dt

I was convinced to poas today by no one other than my Internet buddies and my internal peanut gallery. But of course I’m deathly allergic to peanuts so it was a disaster.
BoC went to bed with a fever and mild ear infection. Herbs and homeopathic meds were dosed and eventually even some ibuprofen cause she couldn’t sleep. Finally she passed out and we all went to sleep at a relatively decent hour. And then she woke up at 3:30, fever broken, and hungry. Of course she was hungry, kids with fevers don’t eat lunch or dinner.
We tried to get her back to sleep till about 5 when she started shoving me and shouting “get up!” so S2 got up and took her downstairs to eat and watch PBS.
I was instructed to go back to sleep. S2 has made it his personal quest to keep me well rested this cycle. It’s mostly working. I’d already been awake for almost 2 hours so I knew it might take some time to fall back to sleep… And then the anxiety hit. My mind started racing in circles that I couldn’t get out of.
S2 is suffering sleep deprivation for me and if I fail again I’ll be letting him down.
I can’t do this again
how the fuck will I do this again?
And on and on. Around 8 am I texted him that I was crushed by anxiety and couldn’t sleep. He suggested I listen to my hypnosis and keep trying. He was going to work from home and BoC was happily coloring.
Around 10 am I decided to give up. Crashing for 5 minutes only to wake in a state of panic was too much for me. Since he was home, I was going to acupuncture and therapy, appointments I had previously canceled because BoC was home sick from school.
I was barely capable of driving to acu. The anxiety was paralyzingly intense. Acugoddess chilled me out somewhat, and off I traipsed to get a sandwich and go to much needed therapy.
I had to be reminded again and again that S2 is not suffering for me, he’s doing this for our family. He’s just as invested as I am. Funny how hard that is to remember, eh? My amazing therapist reminded me that it doesn’t matter if I believe it’s worked or if I believe it hasn’t. Those thoughts won’t make one or the other true, but it sure as hell feels better to sit in the believing place, right?
So, my job is to breathe. My job is to recognize the anxiety and try not to let it consume me. I can’t control it, but I can talk myself down.
My job is to not only believe that success is possible, but that it’s already happened and were just waiting for confirmation.

So, will I poas tomorrow? Honestly… I don’t know.

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~ by zeneggs on December 7, 2011.

One Response to “5dp 5dt”

  1. It hurts to read this. I can feel the pressure from here. I send you everything I have every minute of every day. I love the idea of waiting for confirmation, just love it.

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