How I almost ruined it all or Mercury Retrograde is real, bitches.

I did everything right. I was prepared to a T… and then I almost ruined it all.

I slept like the dead last night after my massage and hypnosis recording and woke this morning with a wee bit of anxiety. I had a long list of things to do, but my appointment was at 11:45 so I had plenty of time to do things. I had coffee (decaf, natch) spent some time chatting it up with my internet buddies and did some final house tidying chores.

I hung the cranes I strung up last night and prepped my knitting projects for bed rest. I chose yarn, picked patterns for two lovely new babies, one who just arrived  and one set to show her sweet face in February. I put fresh sheets on the bed (our clinic calls for 2 days of bed rest, and I always take a 3rd cause my husband thinks it’s necessary, and honestly, who wouldn’t want an extra day of NO RESPONSIBILITY?) and set everything up.

Then I prepped some granola for the oven, popped it in to roast and went for a short run.  By the time I got back and did some sun salutations to stretch out, it was 10:30 and I had exactly 45 mins to shower, get dressed, finish the granola and leave to pick up S2 (who had biked to work) and get to our 11:45 appointment. At about 11:02, my phone rang. I was in my underpants blowdrying my hair.

Nurse: Hello, CE? it’s Hilary from Dr. M’s office. Are you on your way here?

Me: Yeah, I’m leaving in a few, my appointment isn’t until 11:45.

Nurse: yeah, no, you should have been here at 10:45, the transfer is happening at 11:30. (really mercury, why you gotta play me like that?)

Me: (calmly, cooly, collectedly) ok, I’m on my way right now.

I ran like a bat out of hell, down the stairs, only to realize I had no clothes on. Back upstairs, got dressed, downstairs fill water bottle (because I’d just peed before I showered) and ran out the door. Then I realized I never turned off the oven and the granola was still roasting (it was delish, I just had it for dinner). As I’m running to the car, I’m calling  S2 and our awesome acupuncturist and getting voicemails for both. Telling them to HURRY NOW NOW NOW WE’RE LATE AND I’VE RUINED EVERYTHING!

It’s a 15-20 min drive to the office and I’d planned on drinking my liter of water on my way there so I’d be ready to go, husband or not, when a mile away from home I realize I didn’t grab the bottle.  And this, my friends in the computer, is when the tears started.  I tried calling S2 again, and he didn’t answer, so I left a horrible tearful, hysterical message about how I’d ruined everything and that I’d tried so hard and once again I’d fucked it up, I’ve done this 7 times and never been late, and how did I fuck it up, cause getting to an appointment on time is the EASY part!

Finally I called Kim because I knew she’d answer her phone at work and we’d been texting just an hour before. I pretty much lost my every loving mind on the phone, crying hysterically, freaking out about how I’d ruined everything and that there was no way this was going to work.  True to form, she held down the fort and talked me off the ledge. Reminding me that because I was late, that this time would be different  and that that’s why this would work. She even made me laugh and kept me from careening into oncoming traffic (oh yeah, there was traffic). And she kept reminding me that S2 and acu didn’t NEED to be there, the only thing that needed to be there was my uterus.

I made it to the office with no word from S2 or Acupuncturist, sure I was going to do this alone, and the tears were hot behind my eyes. I ran up 3 flights of stairs, because dammit it’s the slowest fucking elevator in all of P-town and rushed into the waiting room. The receptionist called back that I was here, and I began chugging two .5 liters of water.  As we walked through the surgical suite, we walked right past the room I always rest in.  I mentioned to the nurse that I’ve always been in room 1 and she replies that they are all the same, it doesn’t matter. Oh honey, but it does when everything is based on happenstance and voodoo and chicken sacrificing and shit.  But different is what this whole cycle has been, right? More acupuncture, mayan abdominal massage, running, focusing in a different way. Yeah… I want a different outcome, amirite?

I think I had my pants down before she closed the curtain and was chugging water as I called S2 yet again. No answer. I’m panicky and scared and sad and alone, just me and my ute. I lay on the table, chugging water, trying to listen to the hypnosis recording  when in waltzed my acu, shining like a goddess of needles, all smiles and calm energy. She couldn’t access her voicemail (hello, mercury retrograde?) but just came straight over cause she thought I might need her.  Damn, I love that girl.

Nurse checked my bladder, which was obviously not full, and Acu got down to bidness. I couldn’t focus on the hypnosis, so I just listened to music and tried to focus on the fact that it was happening and it was all going to be just fine. And then my phone rang. S2 calling to ask why I’m not there picking him up. Ack! so I explain what’s up and can hear him packing hurriedly and running for the elevator. He’ll have to bike over, and store his bike in the car and hopefully make it before I go in. I want nothing more than to see his face before I’m wheeled in to pick up the kids. I need that moment of connection from the man I’ve committed my life to, and am hopefully raising this (these) child(ren) with.

Dr. M and the embryologist come in to give the thaw report. They thawed two and they look gorgeous. I still have 3 in the freezer, but thanks, I’d like to not need them. I want this one to be it.  He holds my hand for a minute and asks me if I’d like a vali.um. YES PLEASE THANK YOU RIGHT NOW I’LL TAKE THREE.  I take the little piece of heaven vali.um and we waited for my bladder to fill.

At that moment I realized what song I wanted to hear. I needed to hear a song although it’s very Jesusy and I’m not remotely a Jesus person (I was raised catholic and he seems like he was a great dude, but Christianity ain’t for me). I don’t own this song, I only know it from a birth video that I’ve watched a million times and find extremely inspiring, but thanks to the magic of iTunes and 3g, it was mine in 2 minutes (thanks for not fucking that up, Mercury).

As it was downloading, the nurse checked my bladder once more and declared me ready. I told her S2 should be there any minute, and she said we could wait, and then… there he was and the tears flowed.  Dr. M stopped in, shook his hand and asked if he’d heard the good news about the perfect awesome embryos we were about to send home.  With that I was wheeled into the surgical suite and that was that. Thanks to the magic of vali.um I was high as a kite (no time for breakfast, since I had to rush out!) and the procedure was a piece of cake. As per usual, my favorite part is when they put the picture of the embryos up on the screen for you to see… and then there they were, my sweet little potential babies, ready to come home.

Come on home babies!

As I looked up at the embies on the screen, I said to my favorite nurse (who was currently looking at my tattoo) “Oh they have my nose”, she laughed then I said.. “oh wait, they don’t!” and we all laughed. Oh DE humor, you crack me up.

When we were done, Dr. M came over wished me luck and told me it went perfectly. I looked at him, in my vali.um induced stupor and whispered:

I think this is it.

He replied

Me too

The 45minutes of waiting to pee always seems the longest but I had S2 with me, some needles all over my body and this song to remind me that this time is different.

(like I said, it’s very Christian rock, but that’s not what I connect with)

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. ‘Boy, you’ll never win!’
“You’ll never win”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says “Do not be afraid!”
And the voice of truth says “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

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~ by zeneggs on December 2, 2011.

15 Responses to “How I almost ruined it all or Mercury Retrograde is real, bitches.”

  1. I have chills down both arms. I love the point Kim makes that the times that are the craziest, that have the best story, that we think have no chance at all of being successful — those are the ones that become the happy ending. Sending so many good thoughts for this cycle.

  2. The Voice of Truth is a powerful one…do not listen to the lies…LOVE this song. LOVE this post.

    I AM proud! I’m mostly proud that you are listening to the voice of truth… 😉

  3. You have to believe the voice of truth! It’s, well, the truth! What’s not to believe? Annnyway…that’s quite a story, my love. So glad you and S2 and acugoddess all made it.

    I think this is it.

  4. Oh what a crazy day, but look at those beautiful embryos!!! Wishing you all my best.

  5. oh, didn’t realize where the comments were until today! what a powerful post- full of that anxious feeling, but also that loving thread between you and your entire support team. look at all these amazing people you’ve brought to your side! and look at those embryos! Ah, dear friend, this was a gooood post to read. xoxoxo

  6. I was holding my breath reading this, until S2 arrived! So excited and hopeful for you!!

  7. I just love you.

  8. I am holding my breath and crossing all crossables for you. I want this so much for all who have struggled!

  9. Here from Stirrup Queen…

    holding my breath.. so many great things start with a rush, then a wait, and then magic. Really hoping your friend is right and this cycle is different from start to finish!

    And I SO have the same feelings about Christian rock… glad i am not the only one. I

  10. I just found your blog via Stirrup Queens and this is the most amazing story. Sometimes different is the best medicine. I am crossing fingers and toes for you.

  11. Here from Stirrup Queens and hoping this is the one for you. Thank you for reminding me of this song – it has been powerful for me in the past and had dropped off my radar.

  12. Oh gosh how awful about the time, but YOU MADE IT! and your embies look beautiful. I really hope and pray this works for you!!!

  13. […] this cycle is all about things going wrong and making it just right. Remember the transfer day from hell? Well, today was ultrasound day, alternately known as “who we got in there?” day. Our […]

  14. […] this cycle is all about things going wrong and making it just right. Remember the transfer day from hell? Well, today was ultrasound day, alternately known as “who we got in there?” day. Our […]

  15. Wow. What a transfer. Those little guys look like thrill-seekers, though, so I’m hopeful for you, too.

    Bea

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