The new girl

There she stands, hesitant to open the door, but not wanting to turn back to the elevator. I’ve just gotten off the elevator myself, heading in for my final E2/P4 check before the big transfer day, and she’s blocking my way into the office. She looks nervous, scared, like she feels a little silly.  We make eye contact, something you rarely do in the office of grief and shame and I shrug and reach for the door. She laughs a little and goes on in.

The front desk attendant knows me well, checks me in and summons the phlebotomist. I overhear the woman from the doorway apologize for coming back in, but she wanted to discuss some questions about her calendar. As I walk away, she sits down with my favorite nurse and they discuss her upcoming cycle. Clearly her first.

My blood draw is quick and easy. The phlebotomist and I laugh and talk about silly things like refrigerator magnets and pie. She’s my favorite, by far.

As I check out, I notice the girl from the doorway sitting alone on the consult couch, fretting her hands, checking her phone. My favorite nurse comes out and hands her a bag, tells her to just take it one day at a time. Easily said from someone who isn’t staring down the barrel of a 2 page calendar filled with needles in the stomach.

We both end up waiting for the elevator at the same time again. She keeps her eyes on the floor as I ask her what floor, and press the buttons. When the doors open, and she takes a step out, I say, softly:

Good luck.

She turns back to me, tears in her eyes and says:

Thank you, I’m kind of scared.

I smile and nod as the elevator closes and I head down to my own car. I feel a little choked up myself, remembering my first time, the anxiety, the fears, the wonder of: what will happen. I’m grateful  I’m not the new girl, grateful I’m not in that precarious place of: will I ever know what it’s like to be a mother. And yet, here I am, still here after all these years, trying to complete my family, wondering what will happen, feeling anxious, scared and precarious. I know what it’s like to be a mother, and it’s so good I want to do it again. But I’m so very glad I’m not the new girl.

I hope she’s not for long either.

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~ by zeneggs on November 28, 2011.

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