Can you see me now?

I really like my doctor. In the 8 years he’s gotten to know my nether regions, I’ve grown to really like him. The first couple of years he was a little shy and stifled, and rarely laughed at my jokes (like once at a 7 am CD3 vagicam appointment I walked in and said “Ah! I love the smell of stirrups in the morning”). But little by little he’s cracked and now we’re like old buddies.  I can guarantee the things he’ll say to me at appointments, he  almost always asks me if I’ve been getting sun (I’m half mexican and am always browner than the average white lady), and 90% of the time he comments on my socks  (then again, I am not wearing pants, so they are obvious). Today, the first thing he did was comment on my hair. He asked me if I had a new stylist, then he cocked his head to the side and said “You look really different“. I said “well my hair is purple”… and we both laughed.

He asked how I was, how the meds were treating me and what I was doing for Thanksgiving (hosting 15 people, thankyouverymuch). He asked how my anxiety was and if I was getting time to run, and if I was going to relax next weekend before the big day. Just before we got down to business, I told him I had a new tattoo, and pulled up my sleeve. He looked over it carefully, quietly, and finally I said:
“do you know what they are?”


“Yes, black birds, one for each embryo you have transferred into my body”

He stood, holding my arm, solemnly, with a pained look on his face as I said

“Six for the ones who didn’t take, two white ones for the miscarriages and this one, this one is BoC.”

He ran his finger over each bird and squeezed my hand. He looked me in the eye and didn’t say anything. The nurse (who is relatively new) stood there with my 3 inch thick file with tears in her eyes unsure of what to do.

Finally he pulled out his phone and said he needed to take a picture of it and then of me (which made me laugh since I didn’t have pants on), because he wanted to keep this in his thoughts.

Lining check was good. 9mm, triple stripe. I’m good at this part. The part I’m not so good at is what comes after. Before he left he reminded me to relax and rest a lot before transfer (in TWO weeks!)and said the nurse would call with my blood results and any med changes this afternoon. He shook my hand (always so formal after a vagicam!) and held on for just one second longer looking me straight in the eye.

Sometimes it’s important to remind them how extensive my history with them is, and that quite frankly it’s not all happy sappy shit. There is a person behind that 3 inch thick file, a person with a heart that has been broken more than once. I’m pretty sure they got it.


~ by zeneggs on November 17, 2011.

2 Responses to “Can you see me now?”

  1. Tears. Love you. Sounds like you have a good one in your corner.

  2. He’s rad. You’re rad. This cycle, is going to be rad. I love you and it’s all mind blowing. All of it.

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