Impending doom

I feel disconnected. From my body, from this cycle, from everyone around me. I feel like I’m going through the motions every day, with my family, with my job, with this cycle. I don’t like it one bit. During acupuncture yesterday, I was discussing this when it donned on me, it’s not just that I feel disconnected, I feel like something very bad is about to happen.  My acupuncturist reached over, touched my hand and said:

“Maybe something already did.”

Well, um. yeah.  But that already happened, I’m past it, right? Yeah, right.  I don’t do well to dwell on the past, or to really even deal with it, to be honest. Shit happens, and I keep going.  Sometimes, while shit is happening, (like my friend’s brother passing) I compartmentalize like a motherfucker and things don’t even touch me.

Compartmentalization is a great skill when you’re a doctor, and a skill I’ve perfected as a professional. Don’t get me wrong, I’m human as all get out in the treatment room. You tell me your sad story and I’ll tear up, I have empathy out the wazoo, but I don’t carry it with me.

My therapist actually commended my ability to compartmentalize during the month of October, but then yesterday when I showed up talking about how disconnected i was she said “You’re grieving, grief makes you feel disconnected.” Huh. sure. yeah. so, let’s talk about shit that may or may not happen in the very distant future!

Um, no, she wouldn’t let me. She looked right at me and said “Let’s focus on your miscarriage.” and I promptly burst into tears.  So, I guess I have some work to do around that. I tried, I really did, but all that ended up happening is me beating myself up for eating more embryos and wondering why I even bother to try again.

So, sense of impending doom? yeah, it’s really my recent past hovering over my heart and I don’t know how to look it square in the eye.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

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~ by zeneggs on November 3, 2011.

6 Responses to “Impending doom”

  1. Yep.

    I’m not sure there’s anything you need to look square in the face.

    The past is the past. Let’s leave it there, shall we? You don’t need to overthink, rehash, hurt over it more than you already do.

    Focus on December 1. Christmas lights, cold weather, cozy fires.

    A wonderful time, made even more wonderful by the positive pregnancy test.

    You can do this. Your body can do this.

    Go.

    • Really? you don’t think I should process a bit of the two miscarriages I’ve had? just move on? I mean, I’d like to do that, but isn’t that why I’m disconnected? cause I just walked away?
      I want to just do this. I want to. no, let me rephrase that: I’m going to do this.

      • I think you DO have to process. Coming from my own experience, and being married to someone who simply “moves on” without processing, moving on without looking back is a recipe to falling apart later. Trust. Me.

        I love you. And I think you can process and move forward at the same time. Processing doesn’t mean you stop everything in order to do it.

  2. *listening* ❤

  3. loving you

  4. Easy to say, isnt it? “Oh, ok, just let me process this mother fucker.” That shit takes years and you can still find pockets of unprocessed material years past the years later.

    I think you can process and still face forward. You are a powerful force, you know? Look at yourself.

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