629.81

That’s my new diagnosis. 629.81. I knew it was coming, but it still made me cry.  My doctor used the much nicer term of ‘repeat pregnancy loss‘ but the form still says ‘habitual aborter’. Nice, eh? The main reason we’ve been given this diagnosis is because it *may* increase our chances of our insurance paying for testing.

Let me start by saying I love my doc. We’ve been with him for 8 years and have a 3 inch file (we all joke that it’s the fattest one in the clinic, tho I am sure someone has me beat) and there is a reason we’ve never considered going to another clinic. Not only do they have exceptional success rates, but I’ve really grown to like him, and I know he likes us too. I know because the first thing he said to me when we walked in was, “You’re not supposed to be here, you’re supposed to be pregnant.”

That’s not when I started crying.

His next question is always “how is your spirit?” because it matters to him if I’m broken or ready to get back in the game. My answer this time was “tired, I am ready to be done doing this”.  He nodded his head.

We talked about the statistics of chemical miscarriages with donor cycles (less than 10%) and all the reasons it could have happened. Polyps in uterus? nope, never had one and saline hysteroscopy in May was pristine. Crappy genes from S2? 3 vials of blood drawn to check that out. Clotting disorder that we somehow escaped during BoC’s pregnancy? 8 vials of blood yanked out of my right arm for that one. ANA  (antinuclear antibodies) 4 vials of blood for that from my left arm (2 lab techs, 3 needles and 12 vials, yeah I felt great after that one!). He told us that our donor has done 3 cycles before us, 2 positive 1 negative (which is not what our donor coordinator said) and that scientifically, a chemical pregnancy is better than a negative, even tho he knew that a chemical was much more devastating than a negative.

That’s not when I started crying.

So finally he asked, if anything had changed in the last 5 years since I carried a full term healthy pregnancy, was I training for a marathon or have I had a huge change in diet? Um, no. We talked about my running and he said I should probably run more if it’s for stress relief. Then… we talked about my anxiety. Oh, he was so sad to hear that I’m a weepy anxious mess most days. Thats when he told me to run more, get back to yoga and acupuncture. I like this man.

We talked about when we could go again. He said the tests would take up to 3 weeks for Ryan, and at least a week or two for me, so to wait another full cycle so we can asses and figure out if we need to *do* something other than just an FET. So, instead of October, we are looking at November. He said we could wait till after the holidays and I said “no I’m getting too old” to which he replied  “Oh, no you’re not! how old are you?” as he looked down at my file.

I said “I just turned 40, we got the results on my birthday.”

That, my friends in the computer was the first time I’ve ever cried at my RE’s office. I just cracked, and the tears came. I pulled myself together quickly, because for some reason, I don’t want to be seen as weak or broken, when I am both of those things when I walk through the doors of this office. As I looked up, he had his head in his hands, and he looked at me and said “I’m sorry.”  I could barely stifle the sob that sat in my throat. I’m sorry too, buddy, so very sorry.

Off we went to the lab to have almost all of my blood extracted and a small amount of S2’s and now we wait. One thing I know how to do, is wait. He did say that he feels very strongly that we’ll have success with these 5 *beautiful* embryos in the freezer, and we all agreed that transferring two is the best option in November. So, we have a plan and we wait for answers. Hopefully all negative answers, because really? I’d rather it be bad luck than have anything else fucked up on myself or S2.

Come on, universe, gimme a break.

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~ by zeneggs on September 9, 2011.

One Response to “629.81”

  1. Oh momma. Tears for you. I love you so much and I am so sorry this is where you are right now. You know how much I wish differently for you. I hope that November is magical and I’m right there with you through it all. ❤ ❤

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