Ready, spaghetti, slow and steady.

That’s what BoC learned to say at preschool when they are pushing a friend on the swing, or getting in line or whatever they do at preschool. Sometimes it’s just ‘Ready, Steady, GO!” but I like spaghetti.

Boxes of drugs have arrived. Syringes have been procured. The calendar has been printed and reviewed. Tomorrow I’ll go by the clinic and split the $24K balance due onto our two airline cards and write a check for the rest (and hell yes our next trip to Maui will have ‘free’ tickets). Tomorrow morning I do my first Lupron shot in 2 years.

I thought I was ready. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had processed this shit till it was a freeking emotional chicken mc.nugget. Then, this morning while watering what looks to be an actual producing garden, I started to cry.  For the first time I cried over the fact that if this all goes as planned, in 6 short weeks I will be gestating a child that is not genetically related to me. Anxiety creeped up the back of my neck and got a strangle hold on my brain while I tried not to drown the spinach. Was I sad? no, not really. Angry? not at all. Jealous? that’s not it either. It’s just… a new reality.

I’m apparently not ready to start shooting drugs that make me loopy and weepy into my gut. I’m not ready to write a $24K check. I’m not ready to step forward into this new reality. But tomorrow is the day, so I’d better be ready, eh? cause it’s game on either way.

I’m nervous. I’ve been nervous at the start of every cycle, but damn I’m nervous now. Perhaps it’s because this is 2x more expensive than any other cycle we’ve done? Perhaps it’s because it will all end ON my 40th birthday? Perhaps it’s because this is our last shot? Perhaps it’s because these freeking BCP make me insane? Perhaps it’s because we have a pretty decent shot at success and THEN I’ll have that to deal with, while parenting a kid with autism? Yeah I’m guessing all of the above.

But tomorrow is the day. I have to woman up, put on my big(ger) girl panties and pull out the needles. Ready, spaghetti, slow and steady.  or is it Ready or NOT, here it comes.

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~ by zeneggs on June 26, 2011.

3 Responses to “Ready, spaghetti, slow and steady.”

  1. Looks like we are going to be donor egg IVF cycle buddies. I start my lupron injections on the 30th. This is my first time using donor eggs and I can relate to what you are going through. Hopefully we will both have successful first cycles!!

  2. McNugget is a laugh.

    Everybody is a first timer with DE. Right? The motions are the same as your other cycles, but the mental ballgame is brand new. My favorite thing I used to think was, “Boy, using DE is nothing like I dreamed about when I was a little girl….” It made me laugh and realize the insanity of the situation – how unlucky and lucky I was all rolled into one. There are many reasons I am happy to not be in the Victorian age but having DE in my back pocket is probably the biggest.

    Best wishes with the Lupron. Fucker that it is. Print a little card and put it in your pocket. Pull it out and read it when the moment overcomes you: “I am not, in fact, a crazy SOB. I am on Lupron.”

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