Faith

Last year in a fit of spring cleaning, desperation and rage, I gave away all of my maternity and baby things. In a matter of days, I’d gotten rid of bags of cloth diapers, maternity clothes, small baby things, toys, swings, high chair… all things I was saving for a person that only existed in my imagination. They were all taking up residence in BoC’s room (a room she’s never slept in, she still sleeps in her own bed in our room and we like it that way) just taking up space. I knew that if we ever got pregnant or adopted our friends would come out of the woodwork with hand me downs and gifts and it all would come back in triplicate.  As each person came to pick stuff up from me I said “don’t bring it back, when you’re done with it, pass it on, I don’t want to see it again.”

And when I said it, I meant it.  Several people have wanted to give me baby stuff, diapers etc back and I said no. It’s not that I didn’t have faith that we’d ever have another kid, I just needed to start fresh and I just couldn’t stand to see it sitting there, waiting. I needed the space, in my home, in my head, in my heart. I had a lot of therapy to do, and clearly a lot of things to move through.

I thought we were done with infertility treatment, when in reality I was just gearing up to go for the (even bigger) big guns. I thought I was closing my heart to this process again, but in reality I was preparing to open it wide for even better possibilities. The reality is that an IVF with my eggs has a less than 10% chance of success. Donor Eggs? 90%. Is there more hope in that? OH. HELLS. YEAH.

The woman who took  my maternity clothes was not pregnant when she took them. She wasn’t even TTC. She’s due any day now. I just emailed her and told her that even though I said I didn’t want them back… that when she’s done with them I do now.

How’s that for faith?

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~ by zeneggs on April 13, 2011.

6 Responses to “Faith”

  1. That’s big faith, and it’s perfect. I love it. And you. And 90%??? HELL TO THE YEAH.

    Damned right you need those clothes back.

  2. YES!!! You need those clothes and all sorts of lovely little smooshy baby things.

  3. I think it sounds like a great plan. We’re getting ready to embark on the same journey. I’m a few weeks away from my mock cycle and then after that, and a million and one blood tests, I get to choose my donor.

    Good luck to you!

  4. Used baby things are double dipped in love. I think those are some serious lucky charms coming your way.

    You cannot argue with those stats, can you.

    I applaud your ability to unload the gear in the first place. It was wise to recognize it as a potential drain. Now it is serving to spin you into even more of a happy frothy donor egg frenzy. The ride is madness but it is as close to guaranteed as we get.

  5. 90%??? What am I doing with my own eggs again?? Those are some awesome odds. And I fully believe in getting rid of things that don’t serve you at the moment you get rid of them. Holding on out of worry that you might need something someday is living from fear of scarcity, rather than certainty of plenty…if that makes any sense. On the other hand, getting your stuff back because there’s a baby a-comin’? Pure awesome. Let’s make littles, shall we? ❤

  6. I surely hope you are in that 90% of happy mommas! Best of luck

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